Saying Goodbye

August came and I was getting ready for my trip back to the United States- a trip that I had bought the ticket for in January. In March of this year I found out my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Unless something dramatically changed with her health, my trip was still in order for August to visit her. I had just completed a pretty intense bike trip thru the jungle as part of a Peace Corps collaboration project in which I had no cell phone service the entire time. We made it to the end of the trip, which left us at the Atlantic Ocean, on the beach. I was getting ready to go back to the capital to prepare for my trip home when I got a call from my sister- my mom was in the hospital again, but this time it was very serious and the doctors said she only had a few hours to live. The call hit me like a punch in the face and I couldn’t function. I called Peace Corps Administrator’s cell phones at 10pm on a Sunday night and they, as well as the other amazing volunteers I was with at the time, immediately started to help me get to Cleveland as fast as possible. I was sent home on an emergency leave that was covered in full by Peace Corps and had full support for the time off. Within 24 hours of that call I was out of the Cameroon and within 40 I was back in Cleveland. It was by far the longest 40 hours of my life as I was trying to beat the clock to have the chance to see my mom once again…. And on top of that my sister was going into labor with her first child. Luckily I made it. I walked into the ICU and saw what a toll the last year has had on my mother from when I left for the Peace Corps. She was weak, but really happy to see me. I did my best to hold back the tsunami of tears and return look of happiness to her.

       I spent the next 3 days up at the hospital visiting with my family and luckily she got to see her new grandson after he was born. It was so hard to see her this way in the hospital and she herself hated being seen this way. She was so weak but fighting so hard. On Friday we got the call that things once again took a turn for the worse. She had aspirated and was unconscious. At this point she had signed a DNR. My entire family rushed to the hospital and had to sit down with her doctor and hear the news that this was it.

      I’ve never seen anyone die, but seeing your mom die in your arms is really emotional. She was such a dear friend to me, she brought me so much happiness in my life that I am so grateful for. The next few days were a rollercoaster of emotions- I felt so guilty for not coming home sooner, I was so angry at the way she was treated by the medical professionals, I felt such sorrow for the pain she went through, I felt grief for the fact I’ll never be able to laugh and tell jokes or taste her lasagna again. As the days continued, I was happy for all great memories that I have shared with her. Her wake and funeral were really beautiful- just as she deserved. So many people came and it really warmed my heart to see how much love people had for her. My sisters and I did the eulogy and the whole service really helped me with the grieving process.

     As if the Peace Corps isn’t enough of a test of character, loosing your mother is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with. I've learned to never take for granted the time you have with your loved ones. I wish I could have had another 10 or 20 years with her, she was only 62. But, she will stay alive and live on through her children who have all grown up to be such strong and bold individuals. She will always remain close to my heart. It has been a little over a month and I don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t shed a few tears- I went through a whole pack of tissues just writing this post. But, life goes on. I’m so grateful for everything she has brought to my life and that I got to spend those last few days with her.

     I spent another month in the states and it was great to be there with my all my family and friends. I got to enjoy life in the states and make it out to California to see old friends and renew my love for San Francisco… coming back to Cameroon has been difficult as well as saying goodbye again to everyone. It was really nice to be greeted by my Peace Corps friends here when I arrived and my friend Joe  helped me get settled back in my house (which was taken over by spiders, mice, plants and I think a snake-but I haven’t found that yet) It is good to be back in Cameroon but hard to keep talking about loosing my mother. How am I? I’m as good as I can be, all things considered. It’s painful and difficult, but life goes on. I’m trying to stay positive- like my mom always told me to do.

 Rest in Peace Mom… I already miss you terribly

Walking my mom down the isle at my sister's wedding, Cleveland 2010

Taking my mom for a ride on my motorcycle, San Diego 2008

Our sense of humor- Xmas 2010